Another Year Has Gone By

It’s been less than a year since I’ve returned to California. To be exact, this holiday marks seven months.  And to say that these days have been nothing short of eventful would be an understatement, and it would be impossible to recap all that has happened in a short blog post. But what I can say is that these months have given my life a focus that it lacked for so long.

When I relocated to New York, I was turning 50, at a crossroads where I didn’t know which path was the right one. I had moved over and over, from West Hollywood to Miracle Mile, and back to West Hollywood  - that last time forced on me through a series of very unfortunate events. Let’s just say, I can top any roommate story and at a cocktail party, I save mine for last because nothing can beat it. Professionally, it was a chapter I'd like to forget, but whatever the events, they all led me to this point - to my Blue Awning Home that I just adore beyond any place I’ve ever lived, and to a second chance at discovering what it truly means to be home.

There’s not one place in California that makes me feel out of sorts. From San Francisco, where I literally learned about life, to LA and Palm Springs that combined, made me feel truly at home - this entire state just gets me. 

The day I landed, my friends were there to greet me and I felt such an outpouring of love that I didn’t quite know what to do. I hugged them, and then chastised them for the surprise that it was, because as anyone knows, I’m no fan of surprises. In the end, I was still 30,000 feet above the ground, unbelievably with my feet back in the state that I somehow knew was where I belonged. There are too many Wizard of Oz references here so I will forgo using even one - but let’s just say my Christmas Tree ornaments reveal them.

It’s hard for anyone to figure out where they belong. Is it the home they grew up in? Is it down the street from their parents? Is it where others expect them to be? Whatever the journey, it’s a very personal one and really listening to yourself is paramount. Over these months I’ve spent so much time with the family I’ve created - and by no means does it diminish the family I was born into. In fact, it has made me realize how much both mean to me - something I had such guilt about for so many years.

My years in Manhattan, as desperately lonely as they were for me, were filled with adventure. There were countless Broadway shows and a wonderful place called Feinstein’s/54 Below that literally saved my life. It was my “Cheers” - where they all knew my name and where I felt a sense of belonging. 

As summers turned into brutal winters, I looked at myself and wasn’t happy with what I saw. I knew I was overweight, and found avoiding pictures like a child runs from penicillin to be exhausting. And when I touched down in Los Angeles and saw myself in the bright California sunshine, I knew that change had to happen. I was almost overcome with how high the mountain would be to scale. Starting over AGAIN, and on top of that, dropping pound after pound seemed like an impossible feat. But, I tackled it like I have every other mountain in my life  - I simply started the climb and then kept on ascending to the top.

And, now, one year after that fateful New Year’s Eve in Palm Springs, I return to the desert with my friends with so much accomplished. I’m not hopping a flight at the crack of dawn to get there, but throwing my bags into my luxurious car I’ve called Aurora. Why that name? Well, it was the dawn of a new day when I bought her and she’s my favorite Disney princess, and every day she reminds me that I can accomplish anything.

Overall, this could be one of those year end letters that tells you everything that has happened. But in this age of social media, you only have to look at my posts to see what words can never really capture. And, who knows, should I become a life coach, I would for sure have a lot of life to lean on for my advice to others. In the end, it’s getting behind the path you take. And, then, if that path doesn’t turn out the way you envision, then it’s in your power to make a new one. Regrets are for those who won’t move forward. It’s taking those lessons and building on each one. I’m surrounded by so much love both here and on the East coast that it’s almost an embarrassment of riches.  And I’ve learned on this journey to embrace those treasures.

Without that pivotal move to New York, none of this would be possible, and how great is it to say that I’ve lived in some of the biggest cities in this country? Each one has left their mark on me and, I’d like to think, I’ve changed each of them along the way.  

So this year, I toast to it all and whatever comes next. It's sure to be one hell of a ride.

Where There's Love Overflowing

When I think of home, I think of a place....that's how one of my favorite songs begins. It's been covered by countless artists and in the hours before my departure out of New York, it's blasting in my empty Upper East Side apartment. Looking around these three rooms (I don't count the teeny tiny bathroom), I can't help but think back on these three years with a mix of emotions.

The reasons for my move east were plentiful, a mix of running from issues and running towards others. The particulars are not needed really - the fact remains that I came. Once again, I packed my bags and set out to write a new chapter. I was turning 50, there were events swirling in the universe and I found a lifeline to grab onto and I pulled - I pulled hard.

Here I was - in the Big Apple - there was nothing I couldn't face. But, I wasn't truly ready for this city that never sleeps - or maybe it was never ready for me. Where I could go out by myself in San Franciso, LA, or Palm Springs and have an incredible night talking to strangers, making friends and flirting as only I know how to do - here, in this city of millions - for the first time - I felt truly alone. Were the people here simply immune to my particular skills, was I too old to try and break into new cliques, or was everyone around me just not interested?

Over the course of the years, I found places that knew my name. Places that welcomed me into the surroundings and where I felt a sense of community. I traveled northeast to see my parents - taking my mom on weekend trips, visiting my cousins and spending time with the best of old friends. But as the years went on, the realization that you can't run from your issues slowly creeped into my life. And then, one New Year's Eve, it all just changed.

I'd gone to Palm Springs for 2017/18 and I convinced two of my oldest friends to join me. And in the mix were friends I'd made from my two-stepping days - ones I somehow took for granted, knowing they'd always be there but never knowing how much I'd miss them. Little did I know how those few days would change it all. If it makes any sense to anyone, but those few days were the exact feeling I got when I stepped foot in San Francisco for 1989/90. I knew instantly that this was it - this was the place for me. This was where I could breathe, where I felt I was meant to be. And this past year I realized that home is not where you grew up or where your relatives are - home is where you make it. It is where you put all your blood, sweat and tears into living, surviving, crying, laughing and being surrounded by the family that you create.

From that one weekend, I was determined to get back to Southern California. I had a goal - by the end of spring - and every night I would reaffirm that it would happen. I networked, I interviewed, I was a pain in the ass to a lot of people, but I never gave up on my goal. I never once thought that I would fail. And one day, the universe gave me my reward in a way I did not expect. Yet, if there's anything I've learned is that when something is in front of you - grab it, hold onto it tight and let it take you where you want to go.

People always ask me which city I like best. Wasn't I over San Francisco? Didn't I hate Los Angeles? The answer is simply that all of California is my home. Though I was born in Medford, Massachusetts, San Francisco is where I truly grew up - where I made the friends I still have today. Los Angeles is where I found who I could become and it gave me the chance to be close to Palm Springs - a place that is paradise on earth, where I have more friends than I could ever imagine and where I feel so welcome and loved. No, I'm not over any of them - I don't despise any city, it is the culmination of all of them that defines me. California  is a place I felt compelled to move to when I was 24 and a place that cannot be ignored in my soul. For time away from it, has taught me that "living in a brand new world" made me "look inside my heart to find a world full of love." This place could be like yours, it could be mine, but overall it is not like home, it is home.

My heart and soul belongs to these two women - my oldest and best friends in California.

That glorious New Year's Eve Weekend