Gaining Self Worth Again

Boot camp – the word itself conjures up a million horrendous images to me, and no one is more surprised than I that I have willingly paid money to join AK Fit and do a serious work out three times a week, in addition to one-on-one personal training. All of this conjures up some serious junior and high school issues for me - memories of being the last to finish the 500 yard dash, collapsing in pain and holding back the tears from the slings and arrows shot at me from my peers.  I was the “husky” kid – shopping in a store ironically called “Anderson Little” for pants that would fit over my enormous thighs. 

What caused this change in me? Since I’ve dropped the excess weight a few years back, I knew I needed to jump over the exercise plateau I’ve reached. I’ve watched my roommate transform his body over the last two years and that inspiration combined with a reflective weekend spent in my desert oasis a few weekends ago gave me the kick in the ass that I needed. I had three days to hang out with my very best friend – me. And unlike so many people, I enjoy time by myself. Being uncomfortable at happy hour alone has never been an issue. Sitting at a table for one or hanging out at the bar of my favorite restaurant is easy.  I had no commitments, no drama, nothing to distract me from taking a long look at myself and the past few years.  And thinking long and hard was just what I did that weekend. I’ve accomplished a lot these past few years and I took that holiday to pat myself on the back. In 2011, I paid off an enormous debt – no small accomplishment-  and took back the control of my life. 

It was years ago, in San Francisco, when I had a trainer named Sev – an ex-Navy Seal who kicked my ass two times a week (and of course, added to my enormous debt), but I never forgot the feeling of self-worth his sessions gave me. He was the hottest and straightest man I ever knew and I think my being the complete opposite amused him at every turn.

He looked at my calves one day and said, “Damn, Jim, I want legs like that.” 

“It’s the pump exercise,” I groaned through my pain.

“What is that? I’ve never heard of that one.”

 I smiled and simply said, “It’s wearing four inch heels and performing on a stage.”

 He doubled over in laughter, but still kicked my ass.

Sev took no prisoners, never held back and he transformed my mind and my body. Over the years, I lost that feeling. So, that weekend as I sat at the bar of one of my favorite restaurants and chatted with the people around me – I knew that the only thing missing was my feeling good about myself again and being truly happy at what I see reflected back at me in the mirror.  

Eating right has never been an issue – I know when I order fries and a hamburger that it’s bad, and that that milkshake I want so bad will only cause me grief. So, now I consciously make the right choices and I’ve kicked up my work outs with AK Fit and a trainer who reminds me of Sev in so many ways. 

This morning, as Aaron, our trainer instructed us to run five laps around the basketball court and jump rope to warm up, those childhood memories came flooding back. I saw the little fat kid wheezing and puffing as he tried to make it around the fence to finish the dash and I heard the taunts as the jump rope hit me around the shoulders. But, I pushed them down with every sit up and push up that followed. When time was called, I finished the last of my bar raises, determined to say that I completed all four areas of the circuit. I hear the taunts of my childhood, but the encouragement of my workout partners and new trainer are stronger and louder. 

Aaron says he’ll take my enormous thighs and turn them into steel and I believe that together we will do just that. I am the sum of all the phases of me that have come before, and in the end, I will be as comfortable with what I see in the mirror as I am walking into a crowded restaurant and asking for a table for one. My goal is to be in the best shape of my life when I return to Boston for my parents’ Golden Anniversary in May. And who knows, maybe I’ll run around the park on the block where I grew up and where the taunts are still as vivid today as they were then. But the memory of their insults will be silenced and simply be a memory. Replaced by the self-worth I will have regained.