A Little Disney Magic

I first experienced the wonderful world of Disney in 1976, shortly after Walt Disney World had opened and during the American Bi-Centennial. The theme park was in full celebration that week and every memory of that vacation is still vivid in my memory today. Perhaps the happiness that I still remember from that week is what makes the joy of Walt Disney so important to me.

The past few weeks have been filled with enormous emotion on so many levels. With the sudden passing of my roommate and friend, the stress in my life has been at an all-time high that, not only shook me like an 8.5 earthquake, but also swung my emotions in so many directions I was dizzy just standing still. And, then, this past weekend, for the first time since everything happened, I took a weekend for me and the destination was the happiest place on earth. 

At first, I was going to drive to my desert paradise, but as it turned out, Saturday was mini-gay day – a smaller gathering in Disneyland than the huge 3-day October event held every year in the park.  And, with my friend Steve flying in from Phoenix to join me, it couldn’t have been more perfect.  Steve and I met 20 years ago, when we both worked at Intuit software in Northern California. When I bought my first condo in San Francisco, he graciously let me live with him until escrow was done and through rodeos, commuting together, nights out in San Jose and San Francisco, and work, our friendship was a solid one. Even when I moved back to Boston and lost touch, I was never worried about the foundation we had built and two years ago, when the time frame between us had grown to over a decade, we reconnected as if no time had passed. That - I’ve come to realize, is what makes a true friend. There’s never any blame on who lost touch with whom or a diatribe of excuses thrown in the wind – you simply pick up where you left off and the years in between melt away. And throughout this ordeal these past few weeks, I’ve come to realize that I have great friends – solid friends who are there for me no matter what.

Just wait until October

I knew how disconcerting it was for Steve to leave the heat of Arizona for a  cold and rainy April day in Los Angeles, and not a minute went by all weekend that I was not incredibly grateful for his company. When the water stopped pouring out of the sky and the sun shone on Saturday, it was almost as if Walt himself had declared that it was not to rain on our Disneyland day.

“I’m on your schedule,” Steve said at one point when I asked what time he wanted to reconvene one night for dinner and that simple gesture spoke volumes to me. For anyone can simply say they’re a friend, but like love and a relationship, it’s the actions behind the words that never fail to prove it. 

Amongst the red shirts of the folks who attended Mini Gay Days, Steve and I got lost in the magic of the Kingdom. Drinking (a lot) in Downtown Disney, including an interesting concoction at Trader Sam’s in the Disneyland Hotel, we talked about a million different things. I shared the experience of the last few weeks and, though the images never leave me, they are slowly fading and easier on my mind. The weight of that night and the following days has begun to lift.  

Surrounded by all things Disney, avoiding Goofy at all costs (that’s another blog), hanging out with Steve, Pluto and all the red shirts, the weekend did exactly what I had hoped - it brought the magic back into my life.

Requiem for my Friend

If there’s anything I’ve learned over this past week, is that life is a precious gift and that knowing, really knowing your self worth is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Last week, I, shockingly and unexpectedly, lost my friend of seven years and roommate of three. Andrew and I met through a mutual friend and over the years, although we could never be described as best friends, we knew each other pretty well. From my grumpy demeanor in the mornings to his early evenings in bed, the both of us knew what made the other tick. When I was in need of a new place to live, he graciously offered me his spare bedroom and bath and financially, the Peoria born dance floor fiend gave me a lifeline that saved me from moving in with a friend and her husband that would have proved disastrous in so many ways.  

Some of the best times we spent together were in front of the television commenting on shows from RuPaul’s Drag Race to Hot in Cleveland, to our latest comedic find, The Exes. Andrew and I both looked forward to that short amount of time where we could laugh and talk briefly about our days. During the hectic holidays, we made a date to meet for a drink because our schedules at home were just so insane, and there we sat in the new West Hollywood Revolver, two friends playing catch up despite living under the same roof.

Five years ago, after Andrew had heart valve replacement surgery, his outlook on life, naturally changed and two years ago, he began working out like a mad man with a trainer and AKFit. One day, I looked up from the couch and couldn’t believe what phenomenal shape he was in – he was trim, slim, toned and beaming, and I was floored. I suppose because we saw each other every day, the transformation in front of me slipped away. And then, this past January, I’d hit rock bottom with my physical self. I looked in the mirror and thought, I deserve better than what I see. I called Andrew on my way home from the desert that day and asked to join his work out regime, an integral part of his life that he constantly asked me to do. So together, three days a week we worked out in a West Hollywood park. It was dark and cold until only recently, but Andrew inspired me and every bead of sweat was because of that. On more than occasion, as my weight dropped and my old pants began to fit, I told him how inspirational he was to me. He shrugged it off – not knowing, I think, how serious I was. So, to tell him in more humorous terms, I would often drunk text him during my frequent happy hour Fridays in the desert. A practice I found out that he looked forward to every time I left for paradise. He would jokingly scold me when he did not receive any at all. He would not take credit for my transformation, but told me it was all my doing, yet without him, I would not be where I am today in any aspect of my life.

At last year's Kylie concert. We danced for hours.

I can’t really speak of that horrendous night just one week ago – the memory of my friend is burned deep in my brain and I want to wash that away with every other happy memory. Our Kylie concert at the Hollywood Bowl, pool parties at my friend M’s, taking him to the NBC Christmas party, countless Sunday nights drinking tequila at Marix and a thousand other times we laughed and bitched together. I knew he deserved a partner who loved him completely and took nothing from him, but deep down, I don’t think Andrew knew what he was worth. He was a great man, too giving at times and not confident enough to know that the universe will bring him that perfect someone when he least expected it. Endless searching and settling for users and phonies would never bring him joy.

We would talk about such things on the short drive to our work outs and I knew deep down he knew what a good soul he was but, I also knew he would never make himself believe it. He had accomplished and survived so much that the bigger picture was lost.

Although my hands are tied and my rights are nothing, I have done what I can over the past week to bring him the peace he so richly deserves.  Andrew affected my life more than he let himself believe and though I can never drunk text him again, I can only hope that whatever place comes next after this life, that he at last realizes how much he was worth on so many levels.