Requiem for my Friend

If there’s anything I’ve learned over this past week, is that life is a precious gift and that knowing, really knowing your self worth is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Last week, I, shockingly and unexpectedly, lost my friend of seven years and roommate of three. Andrew and I met through a mutual friend and over the years, although we could never be described as best friends, we knew each other pretty well. From my grumpy demeanor in the mornings to his early evenings in bed, the both of us knew what made the other tick. When I was in need of a new place to live, he graciously offered me his spare bedroom and bath and financially, the Peoria born dance floor fiend gave me a lifeline that saved me from moving in with a friend and her husband that would have proved disastrous in so many ways.  

Some of the best times we spent together were in front of the television commenting on shows from RuPaul’s Drag Race to Hot in Cleveland, to our latest comedic find, The Exes. Andrew and I both looked forward to that short amount of time where we could laugh and talk briefly about our days. During the hectic holidays, we made a date to meet for a drink because our schedules at home were just so insane, and there we sat in the new West Hollywood Revolver, two friends playing catch up despite living under the same roof.

Five years ago, after Andrew had heart valve replacement surgery, his outlook on life, naturally changed and two years ago, he began working out like a mad man with a trainer and AKFit. One day, I looked up from the couch and couldn’t believe what phenomenal shape he was in – he was trim, slim, toned and beaming, and I was floored. I suppose because we saw each other every day, the transformation in front of me slipped away. And then, this past January, I’d hit rock bottom with my physical self. I looked in the mirror and thought, I deserve better than what I see. I called Andrew on my way home from the desert that day and asked to join his work out regime, an integral part of his life that he constantly asked me to do. So together, three days a week we worked out in a West Hollywood park. It was dark and cold until only recently, but Andrew inspired me and every bead of sweat was because of that. On more than occasion, as my weight dropped and my old pants began to fit, I told him how inspirational he was to me. He shrugged it off – not knowing, I think, how serious I was. So, to tell him in more humorous terms, I would often drunk text him during my frequent happy hour Fridays in the desert. A practice I found out that he looked forward to every time I left for paradise. He would jokingly scold me when he did not receive any at all. He would not take credit for my transformation, but told me it was all my doing, yet without him, I would not be where I am today in any aspect of my life.

At last year's Kylie concert. We danced for hours.

I can’t really speak of that horrendous night just one week ago – the memory of my friend is burned deep in my brain and I want to wash that away with every other happy memory. Our Kylie concert at the Hollywood Bowl, pool parties at my friend M’s, taking him to the NBC Christmas party, countless Sunday nights drinking tequila at Marix and a thousand other times we laughed and bitched together. I knew he deserved a partner who loved him completely and took nothing from him, but deep down, I don’t think Andrew knew what he was worth. He was a great man, too giving at times and not confident enough to know that the universe will bring him that perfect someone when he least expected it. Endless searching and settling for users and phonies would never bring him joy.

We would talk about such things on the short drive to our work outs and I knew deep down he knew what a good soul he was but, I also knew he would never make himself believe it. He had accomplished and survived so much that the bigger picture was lost.

Although my hands are tied and my rights are nothing, I have done what I can over the past week to bring him the peace he so richly deserves.  Andrew affected my life more than he let himself believe and though I can never drunk text him again, I can only hope that whatever place comes next after this life, that he at last realizes how much he was worth on so many levels.