Phone Talk

What does one do with so much time on their hands? Go through old files and your cabinets, I suppose. I found my short story collection, Alone with All These Men, and I should post them all, but this one was always my favorite. In the days before cell phones and when social media meant social nights out with friends, I came up with this story. As with all my tales, there's quite a bit of real life experiences in there. Enjoy.

Phone Talk

My Winnie the Pooh phone rings and my hands are wrist deep in soapy dishwater. For a second I think about letting my machine answer—then I think it could be Mark. I dribble a bubble trail across my kitchen floor, onto the living room rug and answer. A familiar voice yells in my ear.

“Hey Suzy Q! You free for dinner?”

It’s David. My oldest friend. Growing up we used to barricade ourselves in my room and devour Hostess treats.

“Oh. Hi, Twinkie.”

“Jesus, Larry, what a greeting that is.” David’s always chomping on gum. He sounds like he’s already eating dinner in my ear.

“Sorry. I was expecting someone else.”

“Really? Who’s the latest Mr. Right? Tell me. Tell me.” “Nobody you know.”

“Liar. There’s not a man in this city I don’t know.”

I wipe the clinging bubbles on my pant leg. “Twink, I gotta go.”

“Don’t you have call waiting?”

“I’m in the middle of something.”
David yells in my ear. “Fuck!”
“What?”
“I just bit my tongue. I’ll call you back.”
“You don’t have to. I already—” The line goes dead. No doubt David is
putting a frozen cupcake on his enflamed tongue. I hang up the phone.

You wanted me to make some noise didn’t you? Could’ve been worse, it could’ve been your mother. You’re so fickle. Liking me one minute and then hating me the second you find out who’s on the other end. If that’s the case, why should I ring again? Why should I tolerate your disapproval? He’s your best friend. You weren’t very nice.

I was so nice to him. I plunge my hands back into the water. I should buy a dishwasher and just stack everything out of sight.

If you did you couldn’t act busy while you wait for me to ring.

Who asked you for an opinion? But since you brought it up I see your point. Why not have him call me then, and get it over with? Already, I’m wondering why he doesn’t like me. Mark and I have had four dates and my mind is like a runaway freight train—it’s on those tracks and it’s not going to stop no matter how hard the engineer applies the brakes. And you sit there so smug. I can bring the cordless into the kitchen. I don’t have to answer you.

Have phone will travel.
Be quiet. No. I didn’t mean that.
The phone is still dripping wet. I walk over and wipe it dry.Thanks. But I’m still not ringing.
I pick up the receiver and dial Twinkie.
“How’s your tongue?”
“Ith’s fine. I think it thopped bleeding.”
“That’ll teach you to chew in my ear.” I look at the clock. Eight. “Why don’t
you come over? We can hang out for a while.”
“Drinks before dinner. How fun.”
“Whoa. I didn’t say I was going to dinner with you.”
“What other plans do you have?” I could hear David putting another wad of
gum in his mouth. “I’ll be over in fifteen.”
That means thirty. I still have time to call Mark and thank him for the great
time we had at dinner.
Again? You already left a message this morning.
Shit. You’re right. I forgot. Did I sound silly on his machine? Too much babbling on and on? It’s not like it was our first date or anything. I followed the rules. Never the day after you get a number, that will make me look too eager. Don’t call too late, they won’t remember who I am. And whatever happens, don’t do it after the first date, that will make me seem desperate for the second one. Except, what if I miss him and want to hear his voice?

Don’t do it. It will make you seem like you’re dying to see him again.
But, I am dying to see him again.
Well, you can’t let him know that.
Why not, for Christ’s sake?
Because you can’t, that’s all.
What kind of reason is that? Because. That’s the reason I give Twinkie when I say I’m out of desserts. Because. Because, because, because, because. I hate that word. You must know when Mark’s going to pick up the other end of the phone to call me. All you phones are in one big conspiracy.
And what if I do? Why ruin the anticipation? Hang me up—I’m not going to ring just because you’re staring at me. Finish what you’re doing.
I concentrate on cleaning my kitchen. It’s still messy from the dinner I made for Mark a few nights ago. I wash out the sink, put the dry dishes in the cupboard and wring out the sponge. I throw the dishtowel against the back of the counter.
I was petrified when Mark accepted my invitation—I hadn’t had a man for dinner since my previous attempt at a relationship with Jack. He and I were dating for over six months before I worked up the nerve to invite him to my apartment for dinner. That night, when I was taking the Filet Mignon out of the oven, the phone rang.

Oh, I remember that one. He couldn’t make it. He was having second thoughts. He needed some time. Do you think I enjoyed that call? I’m just the messenger .
That was the last I heard from Jack. He never returned my phone calls after that night. I finally gave up on him after I’d left four messages. Twinkie bought me a whole weeks supply of Suzy Q’s to make me feel better. He said I’d get so fat from sweets that I’d have to run to the gym. Sweating on the stairmaster was bound to get those endorphins partying.
My doorbell rings.
“Since when are you so early?” I ask David.
Twinkie blows a bubble in my face. “I said fifteen.”
“And that always means thirty.”
The bubble pops and David picks the gum off of his lips. “I like to surprise
you. So, fix me a drink.” He walks past me and seats himself on my couch. “I’m starving too. Where shall we go eat?”
I close the door. “Your stomach is a bottomless pit. Why aren’t you five hundred pounds?”
David winks at me and gyrates his groin. “Three guesses, Suzy Q. Now, come on, let’s go out. The new man is no reason to stay cooped up in the house.”
“His name’s Mark. And I’m not cooped up in the house. I’m with you.”
“And I am drinkless.” Twinkie clasps his hands together and twiddles his thumbs.

I suppress a sigh and walk into the kitchen. David only drinks Citron Vodka Sours and since I’m out of flavored alcohol, I squeeze half a lemon into his drink.
“Jesus.” Twinkie says when he takes a sip. “If we weren’t girlfriends, I’d think you were trying to get me drunk to take advantage of me.”
I plop down in the seat across from him. “Sorry. Too much vodka?”
Such a silly question. Did you sound this silly during your dinner with Mark? Can you at least sound a bit more intelligent if I put him through to you?
“Earth to Larry.” Twinkie throws a pillow at my face. “Helllloooo.....”
“Did you say something?”
“You need some fresh air. You’re zoning out on me. I need to get you full of
food.”
“I don’t need any food.”
Twinkie picks up his ice cube and sucks on it. “Then I think you better get laid.” He puts the glass under his mouth and spits the cube back in it. “But that’s not going to happen by sitting here. After we eat, we can go scope out some boys. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have you call some 900 numbers.”
Now there’s an idea. Someone always answers that call. Send David home. Let’s have some fun.
I pick up the pillow and toss it at my friend. David ducks and it hits my phone.
“Careful, you goon. You’ll break Pooh bear.” Twinkie pats it on the head. “I just love this little phone. It’s sooo cute. I should’ve kept it for myself instead of giving it to you.”

Winnie stands there, staring at me—all sweet and satisfied next to his jar of honey.
“You can take it. I have far too many.”
Hey, don’t give me away. I’ll behave.
Liar.
David gestures at me with the receiver. “Let’s call your boy and invite him to dinner.”
I walk over and put the handset back in Winnie’s paw. “Let’s not.”
“Why? When’s the last time you saw him?”
“Two nights ago. I made him dinner.”
David shrugs his shoulders. “Well. Far too much time has gone by. What’s his
number? Do you have it on the speed dial yet?”
I slap his hand away from the phone. “Don’t be silly.”
“Oh, come on. He must be high on your list if you cooked. I can’t remember
the last time you wanted to spend hours in the kitchen for a man. I promise I won’t flirt with him. What’s the big deal? You call me when you want to see me. You even call your mother when it’s been more than three days.”
I squint my left eye.
“Okay, fine,” David says. “Bad example. But really, it’s not like you’re enrolled in Dating Etiquette 101.”
Let me guess your grade.
Hey. I’ve had enough of you.

“I left him a message this morning, Twink. He hasn’t called me back.”
David lowers his voice. “Oh.” Then jumps to his feet. “So, let’s go live it up. I don’t want you obsessing.”
“I am not obsessing.”
“Yeah. And I don’t flirt with your boyfriends. Let’s go.”
Pooh’s smile seems to have turned into a mischievous grin.
Don’t start with me. You’re not even a real teddy bear. Not even good enough
to stay home and cuddle with on the bed.
You don’t have to be so cruel.
Sorry.
“Larry, I’m going to faint from hunger. All that alcohol has gone right to my head and it’s your fault. So you have to come with me.”
I hesitate—feeling like the telephone is my umbilical cord between me and Mark. If I don’t leave, I’m stuck eating the leftovers from my dinner and that will just remind me of who isn’t calling me.
“Let me get my coat.”
Twinkie pulls out his gum and adds another stick to the pieces in his mouth. He blows a bubble and gently pops it with his finger. Then he rolls it between his fingers and sticks it back in his mouth.
“Must you do that?” I ask. “Do what?”
I sigh. “Nothing. Let’s go.”

Twinkie walks outside and I turn off the light.
Don’t forget to check your messages.
It’s just like you to ring the second I leave.
Then stay home and wait.
“Suzy Q, what the hell is taking so long?”
“I’m coming. Blow a bubble.”
You. Stay quiet.
“Did you say something?” David yells from the hallway.
I close the door and snatch the pack of gum from his shirt pocket. “You must be hearing things. Let’s go eat.”

David and I sit in China Ocean, surrounded by its bubbling red watered volcanoes and birds of paradise. A flaming pu pu platter is on the table between us. I look over at the pay phone near the doorway.
Come on. Check your messages.
“So, what’s the latest with Henry?” I ask David.
“Henry. Henry.” Twinkie sucks his fingers dry of the fried chicken wings and then dips one in the sweet and sour sauce. He licks it clean. “Oh. Henry. Don’t know. I haven’t talked to him.”
“Has he left any messages?” Twinkie grabs a spare rib. “Nope.”

“Have you picked up the phone to call him?” I take a sip of my tea and then snatch the rib from David’s hand.
“Hey. I want that one. It’s got more meat on it.”
I dip my fingers in the glass of water and then flick them at David. “I’ll let you suck on the bone. I assume you haven’t called Henry?”
“Assumption correct.”
I laugh. “David, I thought you two were working on something there? It’s not going to happen if you don’t call each other.”
“How true. But I see where this is leading.”
I bite into the spare rib. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” “You’re trying to steer this conversation in your Mr. No Return caller
direction.”
“I am not.”
Twinkie sorts through the rest of the appetizers on the platter. “Why are you so neurotic? And don’t blame it on your father, either.”
Twinkie has the cellular. I’m right here. In the backpack. Take me out.
“I just want to know why he hasn’t called me since I made dinner.”
Twinkie discovers a deep fried shrimp. “He’ll come up with some kind of justification. Unless he’s original and actually tells you he didn’t want to call.”
“Why wouldn’t he want to talk to me?”
“Shit, Larry. I’m joking. I’m sure he’s just busy.”He’s patronizing you. Tell him to let me out.

I find the last teriyaki chicken stick. “Do you think I’m just not cut out to be in a relationship?”
David wipes his mouth. “What kind of silly question is that?”
“Well. From my track record. I can’t seem to get anything off the ground. Look at the way I handle this after four dates. Where will I be after four months?”
“In a straight jacket.” Twinkie pokes at the purple flame with his chopsticks. The sterno sizzles and pops. “Larry, seriously. You need to relax and go with whatever happens. The harder you wish for him to call, the worse it’s going to seem.” He jabs at the flame again, whispering a tiny gotcha sound under his breath. He looks up at me and smiles. “Then again, you could look at it as payback for not calling all those men you’ve met in the past.”
“What men?”
“All of a sudden she’s the wall flower. You meet plenty of men. Just because they write their numbers on napkins doesn’t mean you shouldn’t call them. Unless they’re too geeky, of course.”
He’s stalling. Have him take me out.
“But I didn’t like any of them.”
“It works both ways, my friend.”
“No way, Twink. Mark has to like me. He brought me flowers. He spent the
night.”

Our main course arrives and Twinkie shovels a heap of crispy chicken on top of the white rice. “If I figured out why men eat, fuck and run, I would be eating in a real island paradise. Not some plastic imitation.”
He could be calling right now.
“You have your cell phone?” I ask, trying to be nonchalant as I scoop some chicken onto my plate.
“It’s in my back pack, but the batteries dead.”
“It’s dead?” I put the plate down. “Why do you carry it around if it’s dead?”Sorry. Didn’t mean to tease you.“Calm down. I usually use it in my car through the cigarette lighter.”
“Then you should leave it in the car.”
“Testy, testy. If you’re dying to check your messages, use the payphone.”
I take a swig of my drink. “I’m not dying to check anything.”
David picks up a piece of chicken and licks the sauce off of it. “Right.” Then
he dips it into the sauce and does it again. “Unless your answering machine devours messages, I’m sure it’ll still be there when you get home. Now eat and be quiet.”
The waiter comes over, fills our water glasses and then departs into the dark aisle of red volcanoes. A family of six is having a birthday party a few tables away and the off key singing can be heard through the entire restaurant. There’s one other male couple. They sit underneath the giant palm tree. The older of the two gets up, quickly kisses his partner on the cheek, and walks to the restroom. I watch the other as he watches him walk away. Twinkie balances a few grains of rice on his chopsticks before he sucks them into his mouth.

“You ever afraid of being alone Twink? You know. Winding up old and jaded.”
“I’m already old and jaded.”
I scold him. “David.”
“Oh. All right. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll be by myself my whole life. But I
don’t dwell on it. I’ve got you.” Twinkie pushes some rice onto his fingers with the chopsticks. He slurps the food into his mouth. “I stopped worrying about a man wanting to spend time with me long ago.”
“Twink. What if Henry’s that man?”
“Jesus. I don’t want him, Larry. What do you want me to do, call him and ask him if he’s gotten the hint? I may be a bitch, but I’m not an asshole.”
I crinkle my napkin. The waiter emerges from the dark and brings us the check. David reaches for one of the fortune cookies. He breaks it in two and reads the proverb.
“Man who waits for phone to ring has no life.” He chuckles, takes the last swig of his water and stuffs the fortune in his pocket. “Nope. You can’t see it. Don’t you trust me?”
“With all my heart.”
He stands up. “Pay the bill. I have to use the bathroom.”
I reach for my wallet. “I didn’t realize dinner was on me.”

Twinkie tosses his napkin at me. “Don’t you just love surprises?”
I meet David at the door and we head to a nightclub down the street. We start reminiscing about high school, and eventually we’ve gossiped a few more hours away. I stir my drink and see the small lamp next to the bartender’s register flicker.
You mean your phone doesn’t have one of these gadgets? You could blast your stereo and still know the phone is ringing.
Twinkie shakes his head as he squeezes his lime. “Now, who the hell calls a bar at midnight? Like anyone can hear with all this noise.”
Maybe Mark knows where you are. Maybe he couldn’t reach you at home.
“It could be important.”
“It could be desperation.” Twinkie laughs. “Someone checking up on a boyfriend.” He mimics a high pitched voice. “Can you page Larry for me, Mr. Bartender? I’m lonely and I miss him.”
I snatch his lime and suck on it. I let the juice squirt in my mouth. “You are so romantic.”
“Oh, excuse me Danielle Steel. Like romance would be alive and well if my boyfriend’s cruising in a bar on Saturday night while I sit home waiting for him.”
He’s got a point.
I drop the topic and finally, we wind up dancing. I see the one pay phone— near the restroom—inside the crowded club.
Give it up.

28

Twinkie disappears into the mass of sweaty men. I wander around the cavernous club and even dance to a few mindless songs. I leave the floor to get a drink.
“Are you a model?” someone asks from behind me.
I turn and see a man caught in a previous decade. He’s dressed in an Izod shirt and Jordache jeans. If I had to guess, that’s Brylcream in his hair.
“Uh—no.”
“Are you in films?”
I shake my head. Where the heck is Twinkie?
“God, you should be. I wanted to dance with you, but you moved off the floor
before I could ask. Maybe next time?” He shoves a matchbook in the back pocket of my jeans. “Here’s my number.”
The man disappears and David emerges from the dark, holding the hand of a very young boy. “Who was that, Suzy Q?”
“I’ll tell you later.” I look at my watch. 1:45 a.m.
Twinkie, his boy of the hour and I walk out of the club. I glance at the phone.Wow, you’ve lasted six whole hours without him.Jesus, you’re spiteful.Have a good night.No thanks to you.
David’s boy passes out as soon as he sits in the front seat.

“He’s even cuter when he’s sleeping.” Twinkie laughs at me from the rear view mirror. We drive off and I close my eyes.
“Hey. Wake up back there. There’s only room for one sleeping beauty in the car.”
“Sorry, Twink. Just thinking.”
“It’s too late to be thinking. No wonder you didn’t take that guy home.” “David. I wasn’t into it.”
“Not into sex on a Saturday night.” He says it like he’s stumped on an algebra
equation. We round the corner to my house. “Stop being faithful to someone before you even have the ring.” He stops the car, smiles at me and then leans over to his boy as I open the door.
“Is he still breathing?” I ask.
“Seems so. I’ll call you tomorrow with all the sex filled details.”
“You gotta wake him, Twink, before anything else is going to get up.”
“Eh. I can always tuck him in and have phone sex. When he’s up I’ll just tell
him he was fantastic. That way it’ll make him feel good before I send him home.” Twinkie kisses me on the cheek. “And I hope I wasn’t too hard on you. Don’t be mad at me.”
“Mad for what?” I lean over and peck his cheek. “I survived the entire night without falling apart.”
“Yeah, it’s what happens after I leave that worries me.” “I’m going to bed. Go home and sleep with your toy.”

“If you insist, Suzy Q.”
I watch David drive away before I go inside. Winnie is smiling at me. I salute him on my way to the bedroom. The light on my answering machine is blinking. One message. I rub my eyes. I’m tired. I walk into the bathroom to brush my teeth.
Fine. Be that way. See if I take any more messages for you. Hey. Come back here.